for the last three months i've been really stressed about the fact that i'm 22 and can't legally drive. back in high school i was never one of those people that were clawing on the walls begging to get my license. for one thing, i knew that insurance for a teenager was excessively expensive and was an expense that i just shouldn't burden my parents with. i was also scared as hell to operate an automobile because i couldn't believe that i could do it (still don't actually). and thus i just wasn't pushing to get my license like everyone else. and for a while that was okay because not everyone was, excuse the pun, raring to get one?

and then i left for college in another state and couldn't really practice. i could have asked my friends to teach me, but that would be bothersome too. perhaps our schedules don't work or they are particular about who operates their car or even they just don't want to teach me. that's fine because i was busy trying to make a good impression and gain residency in seattle. fast forward a year to the present 2011.

i've always been rather quiet about the fact that i can't drive. whenever i have told someone, they'd always judge me in some negative way or form (wow you still haven't gotten your license? :\) and i just couldn't deal with that on top of my normal college related stress. it was getting to the point where my family were politely referring to me as the good for nothing and that honestly really hurt. even my own parents were tutting at me in disapproval for not trying hard enough to get the license when in fact they made me not want to get one. it was always my fault for not practicing whenever i could, for not organizing my own driving lessons and for not having someone to take me to vancouver to get my license (i live in hillsboro, so vancouver was about a 45 min drive away)

i love my parents, i really do but they are sometimes so discouraging. it's frustrating how they just don't realize it. sometime in my sophomore year of high school, i did ask them about teaching me to drive. they flat out refused because they didn't want to teach me and didn't want to hire someone to do it. if they say no then how can i really change their mind? i wasn't working then and couldn't pay for my own lessons, nobody else had a car and they would obvously find out and say no if i asked one of my cousins to teach me. however, in senior year they did pay for a few lessons but it was with the worst instructor ever. i spent a lesson just roaming around the parking lot while he went out for a walk/smoke break. after that i refused to attend those lessons and haven't touched a car until 3 years later when i was considered a failure for not having a license.

now that feelings time is over with, i'm exhausted. my friend jackie offered to let me use her car to get the license. she lives about 45 min away in renton so i spent the night at her house with her family. they let me use their car and i had to familiarize myself with it. i'm already a nervous mess because i'm a goddamn mess all the time, but jackie, bless her heart, decided it would be funny to scream at me while i practiced and grab the wheel to "correct" my driving. that really didn't help me feel confident okay. her dad was a lot nicer or else i'd be even more of a mess on the test.

i almost missed my appointment this morning because the woman at the counter had a stick up her ass. she first misinterpreted me when i said that i was here for my drivers test (she thought i was here to sign up for a test and told wait in line) and then was a complete bitch when i went back to ask her if i was helped properly ("did you say you were here to check in? no. you said you were here for the test"). lfjsd omg i really wanted to bitch back. i was already a nervous wreck okay, i am not in the mood to deal with your attitude problem.

thankfully my proctor was really forgiving. at first she was a bit annoyed because our car was there for the longest time. she thought we parked there for funsies, lol no. i was still nervous for the test, and i screwed up a few parts towards the end (parallel parking, forgetting to use the parking break on the damn hill, not hearing her ask me to change lanes) but thankfully i managed to scrape up enough points to pass. ngl i cried when she told me i didn't fail. granted she also told me that i needed to calm down and i needed to practice more on my parallel (actually i'm really good at parallel, i just....can't drive while pressed lol) BUT A PASS IS A PASS. I DON'T CARE. I AM LICENSED TO OPERATE CARS OKAY. LET ME HAVE MY FEELINGS. FUCK FEELINGS. FUCK PARALLEL PARKING. FUCK NERVES.

in my license picture i look pissed off. but that's okay, it's better than taking a photo where it's obvious that i was crying. i can't thank jackie and her family enough. they went out of their way to help me and i kind of tear up at their generosity because my own family has been rather terrible to me about this entire driving thing. jdsfsk feelings.

i hate having strong feelings. i become too emotional and now i feel sick and tired from crying and being so wound up. it also didn't help that i kept on dreaming about failing my test the night before. worst night of sleep ever.